I am about to turn in a paper without proofreading it. Specifically, a paper I finished at about 4:30 this morning and about which I have no illusions as to its... coherence.
This is all the more reason that I should actually proofread the paper. If I were a responsible person. But I am not. Re-reading it will simply reinforce the utter awful-ness of it, and that's no fun. I would feel the need to re-write bits of it, and as there's no time for that at all, it would just reinforce my shame.
So, yes, here I am, at the last paper of my undergraduate career... and I am too ashamed of it to even proofread it. Lovely.
So, I just turned in the abysmal paper. As I turned it in, the professor said, "Thanks Jennifer! Good luck in graduate school." And I was heartily ashamed. This guy is going to read my paper and wonder how I ever made it into grad school.
Last week before class we were talking, and I happened to mention that I was moving to Arizona for grad school in sociology. He made some random comment about sociology as a "dying discipline," which, sad to say, may be true enough. We laughed and I thought nothing of it. But now, he's gonna read my crappy paper, know that I am going to graduate school in sociology, and assume bad things about either sociology as a whole or Arizona as a department. I would wonder at any discipline/department that would let me in, if my only exposure to me was this paper and my participation in the two classes I've taken with this professor.
He seems genuinely interesting and the classes could potentially be good (they're not--for a number of reasons). But both (non-soc) classes I've had with him have ended up being my back-burner, low time-input classes in their respective semesters. Largely this is because they require very little effort to get As.
I don't know why it bothers me that this guy who I will probably never see again will have a low opinion of me after reading this paper. Or why it somehow bothers me more because he knows my grad school plans.
It just does.
Oh well. One more thing left to do before I am FINISHED FOR GOOD. Or, at least for the semester.