game plan for tuesday

For anyone following my sordid tale of an off-balance sleep schedule, I have decided to go the stay-awake-30-hours-and-then-go-to-sleep route, which should not only set my sleep schedule right, but also give me enough sleep tomorrow night that I will wake up on time for 8am study session.

To do today:

• proofread paper for graduate class
• proofread final take home exam for gender and education
• -->both of these will be done while at Starbucks. I had planned on doing this later in the day, but I think I'll get the coffee first off, as I'm starting to get tired
• come back and make revisions to papers, email final versions to self
• go see Dr. K about social movements exam, I have a question
• go put money on copy card so that I can print out final drafts of paper and test (am not only out of black ink, am out of computer paper!) and make copy of article for non-utd friend
• go print out final copies
• get a haircut?
• go buy studying supplies for tonight/tomorrow (ie notecards, caffeine, and something sugary)
• study for management and social movements
• make cards for class, status and power study group wed. morning
• CLEAN.

oh the things you'll see

It's funny the things you see on tv at 6 in the morning.

So, there's this commercial for Everest College.

The premise of the commercial is that these two twin girls ("people think we're identical, but we're totally different!") go to EC and study totally different things.

One is very "hands-on" and thus got training and a job as a medical assistant "where she works with doctors." This is said as she is shown near a good looking man in lab coat.

The other sister studied medical insurance billing and coding. "It totally fits her personality!"

What does that mean? And what does it say about you if medical billing fits your personality?

Bleh.

My sleep schedule is so very messed up. Darn finals week.

See, on the weekend, it's ok to not go to bed 'till 5 and not wake up till 1 or 2. But that's less cool on weekdays.

Because I did not wake up until 2 this afternoon, here I am at 5:15 in the morning, with a meeting at 8:30, unsure of what to do. I could just stay up for a looooong time and go to bed tomorrow night normally. Maybe super-caffeinate myself in the interim?

It's tempting to get like two hours of sleep. The problem, of course, is that there is always the chance that I won't actually wake up. Of course, I have three alarms set. But that hasn't stopped me before. I am perfectly able to wake up, switch off alarms, and promptly go back to sleep, totally forgetting that that whole series of actions occurred. Does that qualify as sleep walking?

Hmm. Even if I did try to go to bed, there is no guarantee that I would be able to get to sleep. I had a diet dr. pepper around 11 and the caffeine from that still has me wired.

Alas.

Black Ice

This is an excerpt from Lorene Cary's Black Ice that really resonated with me as I read it just now:

It was high-church at its best, and I knew it as well as I knew my mother’s voice. I ached with the sound and the sight of it. Distant gobbledegook at first, the seraphs, cherubim, and thrones resonated deeply now. How many times had I argued with that song? Why was it that this rich, rich school had to get dominions, princedoms, and powers to praise their God? Why were our worshipers “disconsolate” while theirs were “gracious” and “bright”? Who had told them that God was pleased with them? Was it the “goodly heritage”? Was that the proof of God’s love? Well, what about the rest of the world, whom they asked God not to forget? What about them? What about the dirty, ragged, cramped, stupid, ugly motherfuckers? When would they be crowned with honor and length of days? What made St. Paul’s so cocksure? What about the rest of us? What about me?

I cried then because the music was so beautiful and I loved it so, because loving it was treachery, because I had scribbled the words on scraps of paper and looked them up in the dictionary to learn them, because I could not bear to be so far away from a God who smiled on such exquisite praise. I have read the word of the Lord out God until my eyes burned like the very fires of hell. And still you have not found grace? Still not made Tillich’s “leap of faith”?

I wanted to leap right then. I wanted to leap into a big, big faith: as big as the sky on a black night, big enough to hold Ward A.M.E. and the Chapel of St. Peter and St. Paul within it. I wanted an infinity inside of me that could hold it all. I wanted to fly out of my skin, to leave it draped over the chair by the window and fly up into the welcoming night.

Made

About a month ago I was watching "Made" on MTV. I've only ever seen it once but the general premise is that if you want to be "made" into something (for example, like in the episode I saw, a wrestler), people will come and train you in how to do it and make you awesome. In the episode I saw, the coach-people were pretty tough on the guy.

That night I had a dream and I was thinking about it again today:

They should have a graduate school applicant episode of Made. Seriously.

Another forceful motivator would call me up every day to see how my classes are going, making sure I'm not suffering from senioritis or anything, screaming at me to get my reading done.

I would have professional editors and such looking over and critiquing my statement of purpose for each school. Maybe a panel of judges that would critique every last sentence, but help me to make it perfect in the end. (I know, it's like I'm mixing my reality tv shows, but, hey it was my dream).

Shots would show me in a rush at the last minute calling up recommenders to make sure they got my letters out (I know some people applying this year who had lots of trouble with this) and then calling schools confirming that they got my apps.

Then, of course, the obligatory tense, angsty scenes awaiting responses.

Maybe a teary rejection or two.

THEN--an acceptance. Or, better still, an interview.

Now, it's like "What Not to Wear," as I get to go out and buy all new clothes, with two fashion experts critiquing my style. I get a haircut and a makeover and interviewing practices. Maybe they make me watch a video of my performance and then judge it like on that WB Actress show.

Yeah, it was an exciting dream.

They would never make the show for all sorts of reasons. 1)No one cares if some Texas girl gets into grad school, 2)I would never get on tv, even if they did decide to do a "Made: Graduate School." But it's fun to think about.

The Rape of Mr. Smith

note: in case it wasn't clear, this is supposed to parody what women are put through at rape trials. Many believe we should feel free to question them about their past sexual activity and what kinds of clothing they were wearing. This is an example from a play (thanks, anon!) turned on its head, applying this standard to a man, victim of another sort of violent crime, to demonstrate how ridiculous it is.

Investigator: Mr. Smith, you allege to have been help up at gunpoint on the corner of First and Main.
Mr. Smith: Yes.
Investigator: Did you see a gun?
Mr. Smith: No.
Investigator: So, you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than resist?
Mr. Smith: Yes.
Investigator: Did you scream? Cry out?
Mr. Smith: No.
Investigator: In other words, you didn’t try to get help for yourself.
Mr. Smith: I was afraid to.
Investigator: I see. Have you ever been held up before?
Mr. Smith: No.
Investigator: Have you ever given money away?
Mr. Smith: Yes, of course.
Investigator: And you did so willingly?
Mr. Smith: What are you getting at?
Investigator: Well, let’s put it like this, Mr. Smith. You’ve given money away in the past. In fact, you have quite a reputation for your generosity. How can we be sure that you weren’t planning on having your money taken by force?
Mr. Smith: Listen, if I wanted…
Investigator: Never mind. What time did this hold up take place?
Mr. Smith: About 11:00 p.m.
Investigator: You were out on the street at 11:00 p.m.? Doing what?
Mr. Smith: Just walking.
Investigator: Just walking? You know that it’s dangerous being out on the street late at night. Weren’t you aware that you could have been held up?
Mr. Smith: I hadn’t thought about it.
Investigator: What were you wearing?
Mr. Smith: Let’s see - a suit. Yes, a suit.
Investigator: An expensive suit?
Mr. Smith: Well, yes. I’m a successful lawyer, you know.
Investigator: In other words Mr. Smith, you were walking around the streets late at night in a suit that practically advertised the fact that you might be a good target for some easy money, isn’t that so? I mean, if we didn’t know better, Mr. Smith, we might even think that you were asking for this to happen, mightn’t we?

via auroraluna

Very Cool

I have had a ridiculously productive weekend! But, rather than brag by listing all the books I read and essays I wrote, I will instead complain:

I need a new phrase. Not that I would ever claim "very cool" as my phrase, because, certainly many people use it, and I have no desire to claim it. I don't know why I use it. But it has, gradually, sneakily, become my default conversational filler. It really didn't bother me that much until I met Dr. SuperCoolFancyPants and after anything she said, all I could say was "very cool." So, a challenge: what else can I say?

I suspect that all of my problems with "very cool" would be solved if only I had interesting comments to make in general and weren't ridiculously shy (well, I wouldn't really consider myself "shy" except with, like, authority figures, or people who are massively smarter than me). I'm always afraid that if I do say something un-bland (instead of "very cool" or something similar) I will come off sounding stupid, like I don't know what I'm talking about. I have this paranoia during class, alot of the time as well, though not so much in the past year.

Either way, I need a new phrase, or some new confidence, or something. Preferably both.

Anyway, off to try to be more productive.

Intellectual Fulfillment

This is a short post. I'm about to go to bed but I just had to write about the wonderful sense of intellectual fulfillment and excitement that I'm experiencing right now. Since noon today I have been working on academic-y things non stop (some school related and some not) and my head is positively swimming with new thoughts and ideas and ways of thinking about the world. I want to write about it all here, but I know that I am not yet to the point where I can structure my thoughts in any comprehensible way.

Suffice it to say that I haven't felt this excited. satisfied, and hungry for more in a long time.

Why the Internet Rocks

Posting will be light for a while, as I have a large paper due Wednesday that I am only just beginning to theoretically shape.

I just have to say, though: the internet is awesome.

I desperatley needed a particular book from the library, but it was checked out. BUT--they had an online version! Heretofore, I had scoffed at online books, preferring to have a print version.

But, my opinion is certainly changed.

Wish me luck on this paper!

Precisely because...

...I just realized that I have to do a presentation tomorrow, I figured that now was as good a time as any to procrastinate by blogging.

What shall I write, though?

I shall complain. I am good at that.

My schedule for the remainder of the semester:
4/8: report due, presentation (both unprepared at the moment)
4/12: in-class presentation, essay due
4/13: term paper due that I haven't started yet, essay due in another class
4/20: essay due, in-class presentation over honking-huge paper that I haven't even started yet
4/21: final exam, essay due
4/26: final exam
4/27: honking-huge paper due, final exam
4/28: TWO final exams

4/29: SLEEP.

It's weird how I have this thought process, at the near-end of every semester, a sort of fatalistic mindset... I know that everything will get finished, so I tell myself not to worry about it. It will get done in the end. Even if I procrastinate until the last minute and turn in a bunch of crap, the work will get done. And, it won't be a bunch of crap. I think I have this (false) feeling of invincibility that, not only will it "get done," but that it will get done well. Obviously, I'm not going to write a bad paper. *rolls eyes at own arrogance*

I can put it off until the night before, but it will get done and it will get done satisfactorily, so I justify continuing not to do the work. In fact, I am engaging in this risky game right now, telling myself that I can spare the time to write this post. I mean, I know that the presentation and report will be ready by tommorow, so why worry about it?

The Pope and the Right

Today I was listening to Sean Hannity, a professed Catholic, on the radio*. Now, I’m not denying that he is very sincere in his beliefs, but one thing just irked me to no end: he kept bringing up the Pope, talking as if John Paul subscribed to the same ideology has he, Hannity, does.

Yes, the Pope did coin the phrase “culture of life,” but, he used it consistently. This meant no to abortion, but it also meant no to the death penalty and no to war without just cause. The Pope was against the invasion of Iraq.

How dare right wingers co-opt the cause of Pope John Paul II? Have they ever heard his teachings on the poor? It’s Jesus style liberalism, folks. Sean Hannity doesn’t believe that stuff.

I wish he would stop pretending. The Pope’s politics didn’t fit into anyone’s neat little ideological agenda, whether you’re Sean Hannity or Michael Moore. Please stop trying to stuff him in yours.**

*I also listen to Rush Limbaugh. It makes me laugh.

**Lest I come off as trying to stuff him into mine, let me just say that I would never try to claim the Pope for the left. I disagreed with him on many issues, many of them relating to gender. But I agreed with him on a lot and it’s frustrating to see those parts of his record downplayed when he is crammed into a certain mold to fit someone’s agenda.

Dude--

I have like two seconds.

One thought: I forgot how much Jane Austen rocks.

And the Bronte sisters. Yes, I know, sort of opposites, but, dude, they rock. I'm rediscovering this. And I'm finding that they rock in ways that I hadn't considered or picked up on before.

Anyway, I'm off to class!

My Poor Car

So, many of those who read this blog are aware that Remus, my 2000 Cavalier, has a great big honking dent on the side, which he has sported since 2001, when I unhappily ran into a metal trash can at a gas station. Long story....

Anyway...

So, ever since that fateful day, I have had random people come up to me asking if I need some body work done on the car.

The first time I was in a parking lot and another car came up and signalled to me to roll my window down. The guy then proceeded to ask if I needed the dent fixed and that he could give me a good price.

Sure, I'm going to pay for some random guy to fix my car... It was weird, but I dismissed it.

Later, I was getting a soda or something at a drive-through when a woman got out of a car from across the street and headed towards me. I didn't even know she was coming to talk to me until she was at my window. It was already rolled down and she started talking: my husband told me to come over here and ask if you needed that dent taken care of.

This was getting weird.

Then, one time at a stop light, I got a roll-down-the-window signal and another guy asked if I needed it to be fixed.

This has happened at least 5 times.

Today I was in Starbucks, caffeinating myself while reading for tonight's class. A guy walks in and asks, "Does the green cavalier belong to anyone in here?" Oh no, I thought, has someone smashed it to bits? Has it rolled away and caused a massive accident in the street? Was I parked improperly and given a ticket?

"It's mine," I said tentatively and a guy walked over to me.

"Hey, I saw that dent, and I was wondering...."

*sigh*

Poor Remus needs to be repaired. But, rest assured that when I do, it will not be done by a random guy (or gal, even) who stops me in parking lots, at stopping lights, or at Starbucks, to ask about it. So stop.

Apologies and Excuses

I am sorry for being a poor updater recently. I can't say that things will improve much in the coming weeks.

Have you ever had that feeling where it seems like everything is temporarily on hold and in a little bit you'll have time to fix everything? It's been like that for almost this entire semester.

Every week I'll clean my room a little bit, always thinking, "next week I'll give it a really good cleaning." But next week I tell myself the same thing. And it's built up. Now I just say that I'm waiting 'till the end of the semester.

Also, I'm eating healthy, right? It's so easy to say, "well, I don't have time to shop or cook, so for now I'll go to the convenience store and get chips because those last a long time." I don't even like chips, really. But it is my main diet right now because I keep telling myself that it's only temporary. :-/

Schoolwork: "well, I don't have time to work on this paper as much as I should, but I'll do the next one better."

I'm living as if I'm always waiting for tommorow. Living in a messy apartment, eating terribly unhealthy food, and turning in sub-par papers. But tommorow comes and I do the same thing. And it gets harder and harder to change because the mess is built up, and before I can start over right I have to clear away all the stuff that's been building up over the past few weeks.

Ugh.

In good(ish) news: the schedules for summer and fall have been posted and there are exciting classes. I just wish they didn't conflict with each other, time-wise!